I will no longer do the grocery for the whole family by myself. Ang bigat ng cart! I mean, nakaya ko naman. But i'm glad I have the option to not to do it by myself. My husband insisted to do the grocery tomorrow morning but of course, the self-reliant/independent woman in me said that I can do it! I've done it before, I can do it again. I mean, grocery is so easy. While lugging the overwhelmingly full cart, I realized that I didn't have to do this by myself. I could have my husband here if wanted to. Tsk.
I've always been independent. And I brought that into marriage, much to my husband's slight dismay. I mean, he respects that I can do a lot of things on my own but naturally he's a gentleman and he loves doing things for me.
Indepedence is deeply ingrained in who I am. I take pride in doing a lot of things myself. Growing up as an only child, I had to choice but to be like this. I have a hardworking working mother and a practically non-exsistent father. I learned to do electrical, carpentry and even minor car trouble-shooting by myself. My mother abhors having to repeat herself so I acquired skills to follow instructions immediately that I can do it myself the next time, no questions asked. I am street smart, good with direction and knows her way around the house and its chores. I don't have a problem being alone and I don't mind being in the crowd with nobody to talk to. I am sociable so making friends is not a problem. Moving from the city to province every other year made it for me to adjust to my environment. Di ako namamahay.
Back in the day, lonesomeness is not an option. You have to deal with the cards dealt to you. No drama was allowed. Life is tough and you have to be tougher. Strength level should never go low, you can't appear like a weakling. What choice? There is no choice. It was a lifestyle for me. I didn't know any better.
More so brought up by mother who can practically do everything for herself but trapped in a marriage with a husband who doesn't have the same goals as her. I saw my mom strive hard to give me a good life and I've always wanted to be like her sans the husband who depends so much on her finances and her caring. I can't be saddled by a man who'll pull be down. I didn't want to be like my father either, too dependent that he couldn't function without by himself. At least that's what Insaw when I was growing up. That's what I understood then. Perhaps that's the reason why many of my romantic relationships didn't last. Depending on someone was unfamiliar territory and one I never want to dip my toes in. Nuh-uh!
In times like this though, I am reminded that being married means one cannot function without the other. That in the eyes of God, we are two souls merged into one. I was severely dependent on my being independent that I had a hard time recognizing the fact that I am no longer on my own.
Letting go of the reigns, I thought, would make me less of who I am and the woman I strived so hard to become. I mean, all those hard work of making it on my own will go to waste just coz I'm married? Really?
It took me awhile to understand that I actually gained more having a husband by my side and I know he feels the same way. I'm glad I can let go and give in to the sigh of relief that I don't have to do everything myself. That there would be an arm to hold me up and help me complete my goals. I can cry and it won't mean I'm weak. I can rest and somebody will be there to carry on for me.
The only reason I am like this because I no longer look to other people, my past, my parents and whatever is out there to determine what I feel and understand.
I'm no longer scared to get used to this feeling of dependence. To know you are being cared for by someone who loves you as much as Christ loves His people, is the best feeling out there. To be at peace and to rest with nary a worry in your head. I didn't realize I was holding on to my independence because I was too proud to admit to myself that there is nothing wrong in depending on someone who has your best interest at heart.
Me-time now means Us-time and that still basically means Me-time because I love being with him. :) The things that used to be a burden to me won't be anymore because I can do it now that he is with me. Sad memories turn to happy ones because mother and motherhood means a different for me now. Without him I wouldn't be able to have the family I have now. I am given a husband and by that, it means I will be cared for, I will be loved for the rest of my days and so will my husband be.
This hiccup today that I insisted to dogrocery shopping is my independence pushing and it's really hard to shake off something that has molded you for decades. So I asked the husband to pick me up and help me out after I do the grocery. The interdependence we now have is making our relationship stronger.
I know I can do it on my own. The independent Shen I know is alive and well. Right now, though, things are just so much better with the man chosen for me by God and I am quite happy I never have to push the cart if I don't want to.