Lately, I have been feeling both extremely low and extremely high that I feel as if I have an undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.
My Quarter Life Crisis is quite unique and but in a lot of ways, it is the same with what the experts have coined it to be.
Yes to following:
1. Not entirely happy with my current job. (I love my mom and what she left me but this isn't what I imagined myself doing for the rest of my life)
2. Unsure if I really want to have children (Ever since my mom passed away, I can't see myself as a mother)
3. Hoping that I have more savings (this nearly isang kayod, isang tuka is not working for me anymore)
4. Hoping I look a lot better, physical-wise (yes, I am insecure)
5. I wish have traveled more.
6. Feels so left out in terms of career when I compare myself to my friends.
7. Feeling nostalgic of the past.
8. I want my life back when I was in college.
9. I want to do the things I wasn't able to do when I was young.
10. I want to go back to clubbing every Saturday (this is shallow, i know!)
11. I'm a happy person but hardly anything amuses me anymore.
12. This being assertive is not working out for me because I can't use it properly.
13. I want to do more... so much more!!
14. I want this life to be as interesting as I thought it would be when i dreamt it in college.
15. I love being this adult person that I am but I still want to be that girl I was when I was 19.
Here in the Philippines, Quarter Life Crisis usually means discontentment. I feel ashamed for feeling this way because I know I have too much blessings than I could count. I know that I'm so much better off than many women my age. I am not ungrateful of the things I have, it's just that I wish I could turn back time and get a do-over.
I dreamt writing of this post. So, I know I've been feeling this way for a while. Don't mistake me for being entirely too unhappy, I am not. I love my life, my friends, my boyfriend and the family I have left and my career and this blogging... but right now, I can honestly say that it has not been sustaining me. I need something more.
If you're religious, you would think that I need GOD. With Him, no feelings like this will ever happen. But I don't think this is all about Him. I think it was me when I made the series of decisions I did long ago that led me into this state. But you will only end up saying that I give it all up to him while I stare blankly at you, in my head "This is me already giving it all up to Him."
If you're a psychologist, you would probably say, "Since you feel that, what do you think is the best thing to do about it?" I will probably answer, I don't know. A lot of things is hindering me from actually DOING anything about this. Then, you would probably ask what are those and we will be in a game of Questions and Answers portion that will only end up with you saying, "Our time is up, I'll see you next week?" I'll probably say, "I don't think so."
If you're a philosopher, you'd probably tell that its just my perspective that is making me feel that way. That if I could only look at my life in a different angle then I would feel.... well, differently. In the end, I'd end up dizzy playing musical chair that is my life.
If you're my mom, you'd probably tell me to get a grip and get back on track and accept what life has given me. "Your decisions led you to this, deal with it", she would have said. In Tagalog, though.
I am confuse. My feelings are all in shambles. My thoughts are disarray. I am in this seemingly endless pit of Quarter Life Crisis. Even as I write this article, I am near tears and near laughing and thinking "Why the hell am I making such a big deal out of this?"
I need my support group... Right now, I know what I need is someone who would listen to my nonsensical litany.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
much confused and near tears,
P.S. I do know I can't have everything.
P.P.S. I will be back to regular beauty programming when I have this sorted out even if it's just for a little. For now, bear the melancholy that is hunting me, please?
Photo credit to its owner. Contact me if this is yours to credit you properly.