Saturday, January 28, 2012

Big Sister Talk: How To Love Without The Drama




While I was driving, a John Mayer song came on the radio and i was transported to the days that I was utterly emo crazy and what I could admit now, "In Love with Love". I remember those days I always thought that being in a relationship was the same things as those that I read from my romance novels. Boy, those were the days! 

Let me tell you, there was a time I was more addicted to to being swept off my feet and always being in a dramatic relationship that I was in makeup!


Relationship is a big compromise. It's not all about a Cinderalla story where in one had to take the punches before you get the happily ever after. Sometimes, it doesn't even have to so hard. It doesn't have to be all drama.

Many can attest that I did kiss a lot of boys. Not that i regretted them (although I did on some), I realized that I had to change a few (ha!) things about me so that I can really make a relationship work. It's not about flowers and candies, dates and vacays, hugs and kisses that build a lasting relationship. Sometimes, it's those little things you think is unimportant that makes all the difference.

I didn't realize loving was easy and being with someone doesn't have to be so much of an effort after i changed a few things on how I react when I'm in a relationship.

1) Respect His Privacy

You don't need to know what else is hidden underneath his underwear drawer. Don't even think of touching his phone (Yes, even if he's okay with it). Respecting boundaries is important. This implies unwavering and unquestionable trust you have for each other.

2) No to too much texting

SMS'ing "Good Morning!" and "Enjoy your lunch." and those spontaneous "I love you's" are sweet. but downright texting him all the time can be annoying (Yes, even if he says it's okay!). And same goes for not  to always asking where he is or tracking him!

What you can do instead: Go old school and write him a nice love letter every week. It's not intrusive in his school or work time and you can even turn this into a tradition.

3) Respect the Boys

Our guys have friends like we do. But that doesn't mean we like them. There will be some a-holes here and there. Hard as this may be, you need to take these jerks along with your guy. As long they are not crossing any line, a smile wouldn't hurt. Your guy will appreciate the tolerance. And he'll do the same for you.

4) Don't just say "Fine!"

Hard as this may be to accept, guys can't read our minds. Even when you think that the stars and the moon aligned just for the two of you and even if you feel that your heart is beating as one. No, he can't tell what you're thinking. Let's get over this and move on. Guys, seriously are very practical. He's not that guy in 500 Days of Summer. And believe me, you wouldn't want a sappy guy like that. So, just tell him your thoughts (with a bit of femininity still) and stop him from second-guessing you.

There is nothing wrong with suggesting what restaurant to go to next or telling him exactly what you want for your birthday. It's actually helpful!

5) Flatter him.

Guys and girls may be poles apart but when it comes to flattery, we are nearly cut from the same cloth. Does he work out? Notice his biceps and give it a compliment. Why not even give it a squeeze? If he good at his job, ask him how work was. Does he enjoy driving and loves to take you out? Then avoid giving him directions and just enjoy the ride. Recognize his strengths and compliment them. Like us, guys also want to know they are appreciated.

6) Give him A for Effort when it merits.

Sometimes, a guy will go out of his way to read your thoughts but fail miserably. Give him A for effort and appreciate that tacky neon green shoes he got in the wrong size. You can slowly and discreetly show him things you like in the future but not when he's too much caught in the emotion of giving you something that he was really proud of.

7) Don't let your world revolve around him and your relationship

Hard as this may be when you feel all the emotions running through you, it is important that you don't think that you are joined in the hips. Don't neglect your girl friends. Still find time for them. Don't consider work or school as something that keeps you two apart. You still have goals to conquer on your own that doesn't necessarily involves him being around constantly.

I notice that guys are attracted to independent women. Believe me, if he wants the attention... he'll tell you. Find time to pursue other things that don't concern him. it could blogging, going to the gym or a pole-dancing class. Only a handful of guys like girls who clamors after them. Most of them, want someone who is as driven as they are.

8) Know when to shut-up.

Guys can't read our mind, yes. But that doesn't mean you have to rattle on everything. Specially when fighting, know how to choose your battles. You don't always have to pursue a fight with your guy. If he's late in picking you up or forgot your anniversarry, that doesn't always have to imply an argument. Sometimes, silence is the good solution.

9) Don't go running to your girl friends whenever you two have a fight.

This is a no-no in my book. As long as you two have yet to resolve your disagreement, don't run to your friends for anything. Your friends will always have your best interest and wouldn't want to see you hurt. You can be partial to your hurt feelings and could say terrible things about your guy that you could regret.

Always make an effort to resolve your issues first before sharing them outside your relationship. You don't want your friends to think differently of your guy the next time they see them, right?

10) You need to take the "friend" part in the Girlfriend seriously.

So sometimes, take sweetness out in the equation and give me some serious talking. You can be straight with him if you think he's acting like an a-hole or a jerk or that he's not treating his family or friend well. You need to be there for him when he's down and in trouble. You must have the guts to talk sense into him and he's up being crazy. You are not just a shoulder to cry one but someone who can truly be honest with him.


Relationship is not all about sweet nothings and "where na you's". It is a lot of work. But when you love someone, you won't even notice how hard it is.

You still need to be your own person even when you think you found someone to complete you... 

When a man meets the woman he wants and needs to spend the rest of his life with, he'll let you know if it's you. That is how they are made of.

I hope this post makes sense for those who thinks that love will never find them or in constant battle in their relationship.

My own relationship with my guy is a work in progress, even 6 long years down the road. We both made a lot of mistakes, have made each other cry... but one thing I can attest to is that no one can break my heart unless I allow them. So far, the guy I gave it to isn't giving me a reason to take it back. And that's a nice thing to know.... something I know I don't need to second-guess myself.

God bless!





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13 comments :

Bee said...

I super love this post! Thank you for your advice! <3

sharon mae calingasan said...

great post! have a great day!

Thebananniery said...

i agree with everything! ..but i like #5 the most! this is a reminder for all of us! great post! :)

Banannie said...

i agree with everything! ..but i like #5 the most! this is a reminder for all of us! great post! :)

NinMonster said...

Ayeee! Just in time before Vday! :D ♥ Nice post! :D

Gellie Abogado said...

Oh my. Thanks for this post, Shen.

I agree with all that you have said. 

When we were little, fairy tales made us believe that true love happens with just that one intimate kiss but it doesn't and a lot of us, including me, had to learn it the hard way. Haha! 

The best of all which, I think, sums up everything you've written is #10. Being a friend to your partner is important. A lot of my friends are guys and sometimes, these guys think their girlfriends can be burdens 'cos some of 'em say, "I'm your girlfriend, not your friend so don't treat me like one!" Well, yes, he has to treat you differently but I believe it's important that he also can be comfortable with you. My partner tells me when she thinks a girl we saw is pretty and I'm okay with that. Don't be insecure. Guys don't really like it when girls trash-talk another girl just because our partner thinks she's pretty. Let him be comfortable with you then you'd find out how greater of a man your partner really is. :)

Hoping for more posts like this, Shen! Keep it up! :)

Nikki said...

AGREE!!!! Alam natin yan that relationship is definitely a work in progress and it all depend on us if we want to make the other person hurt us or hurt the ones we love! :D

Kumiko Mae said...

Aww Shen i super love this post and i hate to say it is also very timely for me. super relate! and i was nodding in agreement like crazy in all your points. :D 

Ruth Santiago said...

men & women's dynamics maybe so complicated but when LOVE strucks, a lot of compromising happens =)

Kat said...

You don't know how much this post has changed the way I feel and the way I think about my own relationship. Thank you! :)

aidisan said...

Hi Ms. Shen,

I'm sure a lot of your readers will learn a lot from your sound advice/s. Those you enumerated about how to react when in a relationship are true, I agree with everything you said.

Issachavez said...

great post!  very well said Miss Shen :)

ms terry said...

aww...;( this made me cry. thanks ms shen. dami ko narealize.:)

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