I can't remember...

To be perfectly honest, I can't remember the struggles of the first few months with you. I can't remember how sleepy I was trying to put you to bed. I can't remember the pain of breastfeeding you, trying to make you latch. I can't remember the painful engorgement that nearly led to mastitis. I can't remember crying because it was painful. I can't remember being scared to give you a bath because I might infect your cord. I can't remember my hands shaking because I was about to cut your nails. I can't remember how difficult late nights were. I can't remember missing to go out with friends (but I know I did along the way). I can't remember the frustration of changing your diaper nearly every hour! I can't remember even remember the back pains of both feeding and changing you. I can't remember being so nervous about every little thing that would happen to you.

I honestly don't know how your daddy and I survived everything with very little help. I can't remember feeling helpless, hopeless. I can't...

All I can remember was moment you perfectly latched to me. I remember doing a few happy dance whenever I see how normal your poop was. I remember getting all excited when I had to dress you up when we go to the doctor. I remember your sweet smile after feeding. I remember waking up in the morning and seeing you and your dad at the balcony enjoying the morning sun. I remember watching you sleep because you looked like an angel. I remember placing my hand on your chest to make sure you're breathing. I remember you clasping my hand whenever you eat. I remember you palying with your toes.

I remember crying because I wish your grandmother was alive so she can share that moment with me.

But for the life of me... I can't remember the trials, the struggles. I know we had them but I can't seem to recall them in perfect details. I'm not sure why, but probably it's God's gift to me so I can be a better mom to you.

In less than two weeks, you'll be turning one. You probably won't remember any of this but I hope that somehow, if you do, you'll also only remember the happy times with mommy and daddy.

We love you, princess.

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